Cao Cao's Battle Report 2: Battlefield Folly
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Flare-Aoi
Summary: Complete! Cao Cao is on the battlefield, and gets several odd reports from one of his scouts. He goes to investigate. Hilarity and violence ensues! Rated T for language and violence. Please R and R!
1. Intro

**Cao Cao's Battle Report 2: Battlefield Folly**

**By: **Master Jin Sonata

**Genre: **Humor

**Written: **November 2006

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**Disclaimer: **I do not own Koei or Cao Cao's dumb forces!

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**Cao Cao is at it again, but what will become of the Wei Forces vs everyone else?**

Cao Cao and some of his grunts were on top of a hill overlooking the raging battle taking place below. The Wei Forces were battling the other Kingdoms in a struggle to claim all of China.

"**This land and all of China will soon be mine!"** Cao Cao exclaimed, as he sipped his favorite wine while mounted on his horse. Just then, a soldier came running up from behind them and stopped alongside of Cao Cao. It was his trusted scout he sent earlier to survey the conflict.

"**Lord Cao Cao, sir, I have much to report on the current situation,"** the scout said, bowing in front of his leader.

"**I assume everything is going according to plan?"** Cao Cao questioned, finishing his drink.

"**Actually, sir, its quite the opposite."**

Cao Cao nearly spat out his drink after hearing this. **"What do mean 'quite the opposite'?!?! Explain your self!"** he demanded.

"**Sorry, sir, no can do. It seems I was attacked by an arrow along the way back here,"** the scout responded, handing Cao Cao the report before falling to the ground.

Cao Cao took the report and skimmed over the details. Within seconds, he raised his eyebrows in shock.

"**My officers are doing WHAT?!?!?"** Cao Cao fumed angrily, tearing up the report, and rearing his horse to set off.

"**Where are you off to, Lord Cao Cao?"** one of his grunts asked.

"**To see what exactly is going on down there myself!"** he answered, before riding off toward the battlefield.

**Next: Chapter 1: Fun with Sima Yi and Zhuge Liang 'or' Checkmate.**

**Please review!**


	2. Chapter 1

**_Chapter 1: Fun with Sima Yi and Zhuge Liang 'or' Checkmate._**

Cao Cao arrived at a neutral defense base in the middle of the battlefield. He got off his horse and stepped inside, where he saw a huge crowd of soldiers from all three kingdom's circled around two men who seemed to be engaged in some sort of conflict.

"**Move it! Out of my way! Let me through!"** Cao Cao demanded, as he pushed through the crowd until he got to were the event was being held.

Sima Yi, his strategist, was in an intense battle against his arch nemesis, Zhuge Liang. Sima Yi made his move.

"**Check,"** he said with a grin.

"**What in heavens name are you two doing?"** Cao Cao yelled at the men.

"**Oh, hello, my Lord. As you can see, me and Zhuge Liang are battling each other in a game of wits and strategy,"** he said, punching the time clock signaling Zhuge Liang's turn was next.

"…**But you're playing Chess in the middle of a decisive battle to control all of China!"** said Cao Cao in disbelief.

"**Yes, yes. As you can see this is a much more intuitive way for us strategists to settle things between our forces. Whoever wins this game will control this base, and in one more move, I will be victorious,"** Sima Yi explained.

"**This is preposterous!"** Cao Cao growled, turning beet-red with anger, before the crowd behind him grabbed him to shut him up for it was the other strategist's turn.

"**Hmm…this is a rather tight predicament you have me in, Sima Yi. It looks as if there is no possible way for me to win this round…"** Zhuge Liang said, scratching his chin.

"**Yes, and now you know who's more wiser when it comes to strategy. Now, make your move so I can claim victory,"** Sima Yi said with a boastful tone.

"**You may be right, then again, maybe not," **Zhuge Liang said, looking upward at the sky.** "It's high noon. I have a meeting I must attend, so until next time, Sima Yi,"** Zhuge Liang said, getting up from his chair.

"**What?! You dare leave without finishing your move?"** Sima Yi said in anger.

"**Do not be alarmed, my dear rival, for I have arranged for someone to finish my turn for me,"** Zhuge Liang explained.

"**A replacement? Just what are you up t--?"** Sima Yi demanded.

Before he could finish his sentence, a large hulking figuring mowed his way trough the crowd and stood looming over the Wei strategist.

Sima Yi turned pale white when he saw whom his new opponent was.

It was Lu Bu.

"**Lets get this over with!"** Lu Bu said gruffly, taking his seat, and moving his chess piece across the board. He then punched the clock to signal his opponents turn.

Sima Yi began sweating furiously like a running faucet.

"**Um…er…I…well…um…"** he stammered, shakily moving his hand to make the final move.

"**Get on with it!"** Lu Bu 's voiced boomed.

The strategist gulped. **"Ch-ch-checkmate…?"** he said with a cheesy smile at Lu Bu.

"**WHAT?!?! NO ONE BEATS LU BU!!!"** the towering warrior shouted in anger, kicking the table over and grabbing Sima Yi like he was a rag-doll.

"**Mother…"** Sima Yi squeaked. Several loud punching noises followed.

The next thing you saw was an outline of Sima Yi smashed into the stone-walls of the base.

Cao Cao was wide eyed with disbelief at what he saw. Suddenly, Lu Bu turned toward the crowd.

"**Who wants to face me in another round of Chess?"** he said, scanning the crowd for a worthy opponent.

He spotted Cao Cao, who reacted by ducking deeper into the crowd. Lu Bu took his spear and fished Cao Cao out of the crowd and lifted him up by his collar.

"**Are you going to provide me with a decent challenge?"** Lu Bu demanded.

"**Um, uh…hey look! It's a fat, womanizing bastard!"** Cao Cao quickly responded, pointing at something past Lu Bu.

"**Dong Zhuo?"** Lu Bu asked, looking over his shoulder. The diversion was enough for Cao Cao to free himself and scurry out of the base to safety.

"**Damn, this is ridiculous! I going to see what other mess the rest of my officers are up to,"** Cao Cao said, hastily mounting his horse and riding off to another location before hot-headed Lu Bu get could get a hold of him again.

**_Chapter 2: Xu Zhu and Elephants Aplenty: Coming Soon_**

_So, what did ya think? Please review! _


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Xu Zhu and Elephants Aplenty**

Cao Cao rode across the battlefield until he reached his next destination.

"**That report mentioned something odd that Xu Zhu was doing. What could that fat-man be up to?"** he said, as he reached a desolate part of the battlefield. That's where he saw Xu Zhu resting his giant metal club on his shoulder, minding his own business. Cao Cao got off his horse and walked up to him from behind.

"**Xu Zhu!!!"** Cao Cao yelled as he stopped right behind him.

"**Huh?"** Xu Zhu said as he turned around, his club whacking Cao Cao across the head, knocking him to the ground.

Xu Zhu looked left and right and shrugged. **"Must be the wind…"** he said.

"**I'm down here you oaf!"** Cao Cao said, face-first in the dirt.

Xu Zhu looked down.

"**Oh! Hi Mr. Lord Cao Cao! What are you doing laying on the ground?"** he asked curiously, scratching his head. He leaned down and picked Cao Cao up, standing him upright.

"**Never mind that!"** Cao Cao shot back. **"What are you doing out here away from battle?"** he demanded, brushing himself off.

"**Duh, I'm here playing with my new elephant friend!"** he said, in a proud tone.

"**Elephant friend? What on earth are you talking about?"** Cao Cao asked.

"**I'll show you!"** Xu Zhu said, before whistling out into the distance. Suddenly, a huge elephant came stomping toward them, skidding to a halt in front of Xu Zhu. **"See! I found him and now I've made him my new pet to play with!"** he continued, blushing.

"…**But that's a Nanman elephant!"** Cao Cao explained, looking at the type of saddle on its back. **"Return it this instant!"**

"**But I've taught him some new tricks, Mr. Lord Cao Cao!"** he whined.

"…**Tricks?"** Cao Cao responded, raising an eyebrow.

"**Yep! Here, I'll show you!"** he said excitedly, turning toward the elephant. **"Roll over!"**

The elephant immediately flipped on its back and began rolling side to side.

"**Now sit!"** Xu Zhu commanded.

The elephant then got up and sat upright. Cao Cao had a 'What the hell?' expression on his face.

Then, a voice came from the opposite direction. Two people were running up to Cao Cao and Xu Zhu, looking a bit miffed.

It was Meng Huo and Zhu Rong.

"**What the hell are you doing with my elephant?"** Meng Huo bellowed, stomping towards them.

"**Duh, I'm teaching MY new elephant friend some tricks!"** Xu Zhu replied, crossing his arms.

"**What?!"** both Nanman warriors said in unison, turning to Cao Cao, **"Is this your idea?"**

"**No, its not!"** Cao Cao protested.

"**Then you better tell your officer to apologize for stealing my husbands elephant!"** Zhu Rong demanded.

Cao Cao turned to Xu Zhu. **"Apologize right now!"** he demanded.

"**Aw, I'm sorry for taking your elephant,"** Xu Zhu said.

"**Not good enough!"** Meng Huo said. **"Elephant, DANCE!"**

The elephant sat up and then took a few steps backwards, then leaped several feet into the air and landed on top of Xu Zhu, the elephant standing upright. It then proceeded to perform the River Dance on him, grinding the officer into the ground.

"**That'll learn ya!"** Zhu Rong commented with a grin.

Cao Cao turned and began to run the hell out of there, but the elephant rushed and block his path.

"**It's your turn now,"** Meng Huo said, putting his gauntlets on as he advanced toward Cao Cao.

"**Um…uh…look over there! It's a false evangelical ass-hole!"** Cao Cao said, pointing at something behind Meng Huo and Zhu Rong.

"**What?! Is that Zhang Jiao back again?"** Meng Huo said, as they both looked over their shoulder. Cao Cao used this opportunity to slip past them and escape via his horse.

"_This is insane! Why are my officers doing this?"_ he thought to himself, as he left to see what other wacky antics his other officers were up to.

_**Coming Soon: Zhang He and The Lord of the Dance**_


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Zhang He and The Lord of The Dance**

Cao Cao continued on his rounds of inspecting his officer's activities. Next was Zhang He, who was supposed to be leading a raid against an enemy troop with Zhen Ji. When he arrived near a rock by a large river, he saw his officers mingling with other enemy officers. He dismounted an approached them.

"**Zhang He! Zhen Ji! Explain yourself!"** Cao Cao said to his two officers.

"**Why hello, Lord Cao Cao, beautiful day, isn't it?"** Zhang He said in his usual feministic tone. **"Care to join us for a little dance?"** he offered as he stroked his long hair.

"**Dance?! No! Your orders were to raid an enemy troop!"** Cao Cao said in a huff.

"**Raiding is so not our style,"** Zhen Ji replied, while cleaning her flute. **"So instead, we invited the Qiao sisters, Diao Chan, and Dian Wei for some relaxing recreation."**

The Qiao sisters, who were leaning against the wall chatting with Diao Chan, waved at Cao Cao. Dian Wei was next to Zhang He, cleaning off his battle-axe.

"**Dian Wei too…?"** said a dumbfounded Cao Cao, trailing off.

"**I love a good interpretive dance session after a good battle,"** Dian Wei said.

"**What is this world coming too…?"** Cao Cao said, shaking his head in frustration.

"**Okay ladies, and gentlemen, let us begin our beautiful dance,"** Zhang He said, lining up everyone in a single file line next to each other. Zhen Ji and Dian Wei were on the ends, while the Qiao sisters stood in the middle. **"And go!"** Zhang He instructed, while Dian Chan played her stringed instrument.

Everyone including Zhang He began doing interpretive dance. **"You're a majestic bird!"** Zhang He said, as the rest slowly moved their arms in a flapping motion. **"Now you're a beautiful butterfly!"**

The sight of Dian Wei jumping around impersonating a butterfly disturbed Cao Cao greatly.

"**Stop this! Stop this mindless fodder of an act right now!"** Cao Cao demanded, but his voice was drowned out by Diao Chan's music.

"**Now spin like beautiful fancy free!"** Zhang He said, as he instructed everyone to spin in circles.

"**NOW!"** both Qiao sisters exclaimed, as the used this opportunity to whip out their giant fans and start slicing up Dian Wei and Zhen Ji as they spun, leaving a bloody mess around them. Zhang He stopped dead in his tracks.

"**Oh my…what a beautiful mess this has beco—"** Zhang He started to say, but was bludgeoned on the back of the head by Diao Chan's maces.

"**Wanna join us for a little 'Dance Of De--'"** Diao Chan said seductively to Cao Cao as she turned around to him, only to notice that had disappeared. **"Huh? Where did he go?"** she questioned, looking around for any signs of his whereabouts.

Cao Cao was already a mile away from the area, running. He didn't even take the time to mount on his horse.

"**What…is to…become of...my Kingdom…!"** Cao Cao said, huffing and puffing from fleeing the scene as fast as he could. In the distance, he could see the ocean shores.

**Next: ****Xiahou Dun's Battleship, coming soon.**


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Xiahou Dun's Battleship**

Cao Cao continued scrambling toward the shores of the battlefield to get away from the horrors he saw of Zhang He and his other officers.

"**This is a complete mess! My other remaining officers better do something to turn the tides of this war,"** he said, stopping to take a breath. He looked across the ocean and saw two boats spread apart from each other, about to engage each other in some type of sea-battle. He recognized one of his ships as his own, and the other he had no clue who it belonged to.

"**I'm going to check in on them just in case, even though it didn't say so in that confounded report"** he said, grabbing a nearby row-boat and taking it out to his war-ship.

**Minutes Later...**

Cao Cao arrives by the side of the ship and climbs up on board. On the deck, he finds Xiahou Dun, his son Cao Pi, Xu Haung, Cao Ren, and Pang De.

"**Gentlemen, give me a status report on this naval battle,"** Cao Cao demanded as he approached his officers.

"**Lord Cao Cao, we are ready to engage the enemy using our new secret weapon,"** Xiahou Dun stated.

"**Secret Weapon? Why wasn't I informed of this?"** Cao Cao asked.

"**Because I bought it at the last minute,"** Cao Pi responded.

"**Bought? So, what is this secret weapon you have exactly?"** Cao Cao asked.

Cao Pi turns around and picks up a box and shows it to his father.

"**It's a board game called 'Battleship'. You call out a set of coordinates, and if you guess correct, you might just hit your enemies ship!"** Pang De explained from behind.

"**Our enemies have one too, to make things more interesting,"** Cao Ren added.

"**A board game?! This is no time to be fooling around!"** Cao Cao protested.

Xu Haung laughed. **"What until you see it in action."**

Cao Pi takes out the game and sets it on the table. He places a little model of their own ship on the board. **"Okay, call out the first attack, Xiahou Dun,"** Cao Pi instructed.

Xiahou Dun walked up toward the front of the ship and yelled out in a big voice: **"D-7"**

At that moment, a huge splash appeared a few meters from the enemy's ship.

"**Incredible..."** Cao Cao said with awe.

It was the enemy's turn.

"**B-2!"** yelled out Lu Xun from the opposing ship.

A huge splash landed just a few feet from Xiahou Dun's ship. This made Cao Cao jump back.

"**G-9"** yelled Xiahou Dun.

This attack made a direct hit with the enemy ship.

"**Yes! We're winning!"** Cao Cao cheered.

"**F-2"** yelled out Gan Ning of the enemy ship.

That attack hit the back part of Xiahou Dun's ship. Again, Cao Cao jumped from surprise from the sudden attack.

**An Hour Later...**

Both ships where pretty banged up. Each ship couldn't take any more hits at this point. The board on Cao Pi's game was nearly full of red markers.

"**Just one more hit on their vessel and we win!"** Cao Cao stated in excitement. **"Maybe things are changing for the better!"**

Just then, Lu Meng from the enemy ship shouted a message to them.

"**Whatever you do, don't call out A-1 or we'll be sunk for sure!"**

"**Hahaha! Don't call out 'A-1' my butt! That's just what we'll do then!"** Cao Cao boasted. **"Xiahou Dun, call out 'A-1' for the final attack!"**

"**But sir! A-1 is---"** Cao Pi began to say.

"**Just do it so we'll win!!!!"** Cao Cao spat back.

"**Oh god…"** Cao Pi said, rolling his eyes. **"Call it out,"** he said unenthusiastically to Xiahou Dun.

Xiahou Dun gulped**. "A-------1…"** he shouted hesitantly.

**KABLAM!!!!!!!**

The final blast did not hit the enemy's ship, but Xiahou Dun's vessel instead.

"**Oh crap,"** Cao Cao said, as the entire ship began capsizing quickly.

**SPLASH!!!!**

All of his officers were tossed in the waters, where sharks ate them all in an instant. Cao Cao was thrown in the waters too, but the sharks didn't attack him for some reason.

"**I hate my life…"** Cao Cao said solemnly, arms crossed, gurgling underwater.

_**Next: Mr. Cool Zhang Liao, Coming soon!**_


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Mr. Cool Zhang Liao**

Cao Cao sluggishly made his way across a safe area of the battlefield. After he squeezed the excess water out of his pants, he spotted a large wooden fort built between two hills.

"**That's our defense base. Time to see if it's still in our possession,"** Cao Cao said as he continued on his way.

When he reached the fort's entrance, he noticed Zhang Liao casually leaning up against the gate, arms crossed and his hat tipped over his face. Cao Cao walked up to him and examined him before speaking.

"**Zhang Liao! Why are you slacking off? You're supposed to be patrolling the base!"** Cao Cao said angrily.

Zhang Liao tipped his hat up and looked at Cao Cao.

"**Don't break a blood vessel, Lord Cao Cao. Everything is fine here,"** he responded coolly.

Cao Cao couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"**So…nothing has gone wrong on since the start of the battle?"** Cao Cao inquired.

"**Nope,"** Zhang Liao responded.

"**No sneaky surprise attacks from the opposing kingdoms?"**

"**Nope."**

"**No suspicious looking soldiers who snuck into our ranks?"**

"**Nope."**

"**No oncoming weapons of mass destruction?"**

"**Nope."**

"………**Okay then…I'll be on my way then…"**

Cao Cao slowly turned around and walked away from Zhang Liao.

"**This is all too eerie…."** Cao Cao thought.

"**Hey, one more thing I want to ask…"** Cao Cao said, turning around, only to see Zhang Liao's body impaled in a large upright spear.

"**I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!!!"** Cao Cao yelled as he dove into the nearest pile of shrubs to hide.

"**Hey, get out of there!"** yelled a man really close to him.

Cao Cao stuck his head out, and looked up, realizing that he was inside Guan Yu's large and long beard. He shot out like a bullet and scampered off, with Guan Yu in close pursuit.

**_Final Chapter: Cao Cao Against Everyone, Coming Soon!_**


	7. Final Chapter

**Final Chapter: Cao Cao Against Everyone**

Cao Cao had managed to lose Guan Yu minutes after the pursuit. He then sunk down by a nearby hill and laid on the ground, exhausted.

"_**This is a nightmare! A horrible, horrible nightmare! Yes, that's it! I'll just pinch myself and I'll be awake and back in my lavish master bedroom at my castle,"**_ he thought to himself, a bit distressed. He pinched himself and waited for something to happen.

Nothing.

He pinched himself again, only to suddenly feel a cold blade slowly rubbing across his neck. He spun around to see that Guan Yu had caught up with him.

"**Tag, you're it,"** Guan Yu bellowed as he swung his halberd at Cao Cao.

Cao Cao dodged the attack and began running again. Scrambling up a large hill to the north, he stopped at its peak and gazed at what was on the other side of it. His eyes flew wide open as he witnessed thousands upon thousands of heavily armed soldiers charging straight toward him.

"**Nooooooooo!!!!!!"** yelled Cao Cao, as he turned to the side and ran away from horde of soldiers and Guan Yu, who was now accompanied by Liu Bei and Zhang Fei.

As he continued to run a away from his pursuers, he was suddenly met by a landslide of oversized boulders rolling toward him. He managed to duck off to the side, where he was then almost run over by Lu Bu and his horse, The Red Hare.

Cao Cao then heard lighting crackling across the sky. He looked up and witnessed Zhang Jiao floating above him, using his wrath of heaven powers to hurl lighting bolts at him. Cao Cao turned around to the only remaining direction he could run, and tripped and fell. He sat up and screamed as several hundred pirates led by Gang Ning were closing in on him, all riding Nanman elephants. Ling Tong was with them, pulling off kung-fu moves with his nun-chucks.

Cao Cao had nowhere left to run.

"**Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!"** he cried out, before all of the forces from every side collided with him.

**Later That Night...**

Liu Bei, Lu Bu, Dong Zhuo, Meng Huo, Yuan Shao, and Zhang Jiao were all around a campfire eating dinner. Diao Chan played music while all the women danced. Every other officer was either having a drink, of chatting with members from the other kingdoms. Cao Cao was off to the side, tied up to a stake, looking pretty banged up and dazed. All of the remaining soldiers form the Wei forces were all locked up in a giant cage guarded by Meng Huo's elephants.

"**Now that we have destroyed the Wei Kingdom, what do you want to do now?"** Lu Bu asked, taking a bite of his meat kabob.

Liu Bei shrugged.

"**Well, 'You Know Who' should be here any moment to tell us what's next on the agenda,"** Liu Bei commented.

As if on que, a familiar young man approached the campfire.

It was Cao Cao's scout, the one that gave Cao Cao that battle report earlier that day.

"**Once again your plan worked out great! You sure showed Cao Cao whose boss!"** Dong Zhuo commented, sipping his wine.

"**Very much so. I couldn't have done it all without the help of my good friend Zhuge Liang. Tomorrow we take over Japan!"** the scout said, before removing his mask.

It was Sun Jian.

**The End!**

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**That does it for this installment! Tell me what you think!**

Check out part 3 of the series: **Cao Cao's Battle Report 3: Total Chaos**, now up!


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